me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
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I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.