There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
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Rather alarming headline…
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.