Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
You Might Also Like
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
this post was so formative to me
Catercrombie & Fish
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement