Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
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Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
the last thing a carrot sees
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Who’s your best friend?
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something