One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
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in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.