Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
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Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us