6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
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Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
then why did i get this email
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB