Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
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my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon