The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
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People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome