I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
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The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time