How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
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I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?