[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
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If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]