I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
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People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Growing out my freckles.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference