the official breakfast of 2021
You Might Also Like
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Whoa 😂
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
The Weeknd is back
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Does your wife know you’re single?