Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
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Imagine going to the gym and there鈥檚 someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I鈥檓 not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Realtor: I鈥檓 sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it鈥檚 oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it鈥檚 ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 馃槼馃憖
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it鈥檚 a bird! it鈥檚 a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.