Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
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My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.