Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Good morning, Twitter x
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.