Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
You Might Also Like
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Venn
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much