Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
You Might Also Like
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
we all know this pain all too well
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild