Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
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i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
The USS B port
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
How funny!
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Holy shit he’s back
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.