The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
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He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
dude it’s called proctologist
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you