Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
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I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
[eulogy]
line?
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
incredible book dedication
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”