I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
You Might Also Like
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
A small tragedy.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.