The funk soul brother
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you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I feel it
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”