GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
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“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡