The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
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The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.