GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
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POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.