ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
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[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.