The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
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Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out