It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
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Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
My typo game is string.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.