Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
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people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Strangers have the best candy.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Always the camel, never the toe.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.