Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
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Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully