[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
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“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions