Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit