so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
channeling her this year
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.