Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
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[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Yeah. This was me today.