All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
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Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old