2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
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We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice