BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
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I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.