5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
You Might Also Like
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Reporter: *ports again*
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’