my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
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Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Many hands make light work
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
No point crayon over spilled milk.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands