As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
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somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
No, I don’t think I will.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!