My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
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The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon