Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
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Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
i wish i could marry a nap
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.