Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
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EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”