[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
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My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!