Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
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Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
See..?
.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class