Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
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Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Happy thanksgiving!
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?