You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
You Might Also Like
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.