The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
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homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.